Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I confess. There was a moment today, walking downstairs from the restroom at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens, when I imagined running. Just running. I was alone for a few minutes, while Eric and Asher were still taking care of business. It was just a flash, a momentary indulgence, of what it would be like to be child-less again. To be husband-less again.

As I felt the rush of excitement, noticing the warm outdoors and the women without children walking outside, I thought, maybe I could do it. Just through those doors would be....freedom.

Yet, I kept walking towards the gift shop, one of the few in the world that I absolutely love - for it's eco-friendly products, interesting veg-head cookbooks, and beautiful nature art. I bought both my mom and mom in-law (one of three), handmade origami (redundant?) pins from this shop last year.

Anyhoo...what did I do when I entered the shop? Immediately, without hesitation, went straight to the kids' section. I browsed the childrens' toys, laughing to myself as I imagined Asher playing with a plastic frog that could spit water. I continued to browse, envisioning him playing in the dirt with a tiny green shovel, planting his first little garden, and so on.

A few minutes later, my husband and son appeared in the store. And the huge smile which had been on my face (for the entire day), reached a little farther towards its giant sun.

Even on Mother's Day, maybe, especially on this day, I can dream of a life without my family. A life without entanglements and commitments. Without the recent tantrums, the tension, the constant decisions on how to raise a child, the challenge of being a wife and a mother simultaneously. But, my family is just that - the giant sunshine that pulls me out bed in the morning, that nourishes my soil, and my soul.

Because of them, I smile so broadly my cheeks could crack; I run towards life; I reach to the sky, like an oak.