Beauty Mark

There's so much I want to share that I am practically bursting. I think that would be the thesis for my last entry.

I've been struggling a bit this month. Lots of folks have been visiting; Asher was sick for the first time at the end of May; we've had repairs and extra bills out the wazoo. What is a wazoo? Is that how you spell wazoo?

In truth, I can be rather hard on myself when going through a stint of fatigue. Perhaps because it conjures so much of the early postpartum period, what I consider my Dark Ages. Not to be dramatic, but those first six weeks or so were just that. Rather bleak, despite the astounding joy and magic.

Joy, magic, darkness...they all go together, don't they? My child is simply a miracle. I've never felt closer to any God or any sense of true purpose. But, I have been edgy sometimes when he's hanging onto the hem of my shorts, like a small animal, wanting food or a pat on the head. You see, it's not that this helpless, fragile action isn't heart-crushingly sweet, it's just that - at times - I have to pry those tiny Newdom hands off like suction cups from a window.

At times, I just want a half hour to type at the computer while he is in the room or to read a book without his little body hanging onto the couch's edge.

He's actually a very social little tyke. He waves down strangers, particularly other small people, in grocery stores and restaurants, engaging them in some secret discussion to which I am not privy. Sometimes, we leave the house just for him, because I know he would love to people watch or play with a friend's child.

For fear of writing an essay -  and one with no particular thesis - I will wrap up. Consider the above paragraph a disclaimer, one which doesn't even need to be there other than for your own reassurance, not mine.


All in all, the duality of motherhood, of emotions, has been as apparent as a deep wrinkle or a large blemish on my face. I see the split screen of my internal and external world in the mirror. Even laughter has left her mark. Even joy is sticky and can stain.