OK, I won't write something about being alone in the house for a while after this, OK? In all honesty, I wrote an entire blog entry a few minutes ago where I mentioned nothing about being alone in the house (even though I am), and then I decided not to post it.
Forgive me, anyone who might happen to read this. I am struggling to perform for an audience. Writing without inhibition comes naturally only when I am the only one reading my writing. :)
I am also struggling once again to focus on what to do when alone. I want to do nothing. I want to stare at the wall and contemplate my life. To think and dream in peace. Is that so wrong?
And, there is another part of me that feels panic and excitement to do, do, do! I must clean the dishes. I must fold laundry. I must read a book. I must, I must, I must!
Phew. Enough. If I haven't exhausted you, I've certainly exhausted myself. So, after the freak-out, as usual, comes the lull. The bright sky that trails behind the thunderheads. Here we are again. Alone, you and I. And I am finding that I need to practice what I preach much more frequently.
Baby-proofing the house - this does relate - is a priority of ours right now. And, it's an overwhelming task in my mind. The toddler inside me kicks and screams and throws her spaghetti against the wall. I can't do it, she cries! But, my dear husband, once again, reminds me, "it's not overwhelming. We just need to do it in small steps." Ugh. Could he be more disgustingly right and sane?
Ohhhh....yeah. Right. This is what I tell other people. This is what I deliver to my students as if it's the sermon on the mount (sorry if you are very religious). OK then. Baby steps.
Just like my time alone. I can do one, two, maybe three, small things at a time when I have the time. But, is there ever really much urgency to do any of it?
Elizabeth: You write so beautifully. Don't worry about writing for an audience. Make the blog what YOU want it to be for yourself. If you want it personal, sentimental and emotional...then so be it. If you want it to be about absolutely nothing (ala Seinfeld) then so be it as well. It is what it is. Once you start putting pressures on yourself to make it "something", that's when it's no longer going to be enjoyable to write.
ReplyDeleteAs far as getting those few blessed moments alone, and then wanting to stare at the wall and contemplate life or do absolutely nothing but relax: every single mother (at least that I know) has had these EXACT feelings. Part of me wants to just be when I have a few moments alone. I want to think clearly and breathe deeper. Then another part of me thinks I need to wash a dish, scrub a tub or dust something, anything. I might lose that precious quiet, peaceful time otherwise. Take it from me when I say, just be. The dishes will eventually get done, the bathrooms will be cleaned and the laundry will wait. As the saying goes: if Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow. I promise.
I'm also going to tell you another cliche that I feel is very important: hold onto these moments with your baby because in the blink of an eye, they will be grown up. You know the night's when Asher just won't go to sleep? When you feel like you just can't stay up one minute longer? Or the days when Asher just wants to be held every second but you have so much work to do around the house? One day, I promise, you will look back and say, "I miss that." When I'm super busy and I have a toddler clinging to my legs wanting to read a book and a little boy begging me to "watch just a few minutes of my Wii game Mama"; but I need to put in one more load of laundry, prep for dinner, unload the dishwasher and set the table, I think to myself, "I will miss this one day." So, I put everything down for a few minutes and read my toddler the book and watch a few minutes of Wii. I'll never get that time back. Never. But the dishes and laundry and cleaning...it will happen OVER AND OVER AND OVER in my lifetime. One day, my boys won't ask me to read a book or watch a game with them. Sometimes, I have to say my chant over and over and over to myself...but it really does help me stay focused on what's important to me.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I try to get through those stressful and guilty times. When I'm torn between being a Mom and just Kelly. I've learned that I CAN be both at the same time. It just takes practice. Take everything I say with a grain of salt; maybe none of this will help. But I wanted to share.
Thanks, Kelly! I know you are exactly right. I can totally relate to all that. The conflict is still there though. That's the voice I go head to head with sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your thoughts and the encouragement to write whatever I want! I need that!