Counting Candles

As usual, my birthday feels like a true milestone, a cairn along the ever-changing path that is my life. My husband lies sleeping in our room as I contemplate what it means to be 38. I am a bit ruined, I am thinking, in terms of showing true honesty in this blog. Now, I am more aware of an audience, and that changes things. Damn it. Why does it have to change things?

This is one aspect of myself which I hope can improve with age - the ability to show myself and not make excuses or apologies. Then again, let's face it, complete, raw honesty only creates chasms, often deep and vast. So, that wouldn't be "possible" when writing for an audience of people whom I know.

So, once again, I digress. But, I am back. (I hope.)

I have been taken with my ability to identify with college students as of late. The babysitters whom have walked through our door, the girls ordering lattes at Starbucks, or the waitresses in almost any restaurant. And in complete contrast to this, my total lack of understanding them. In other words, I was "just" that girl, a moment ago, I swear. I was just that skinny and awkward, just that totally unaware of my own limitations, just that brave. Last I looked, I was just that convinced that 30 would never come. Yet, here I am: 38. Two years away from 40. Strangely, I also feel like I could be their mother....because I in fact am old enough to be.

I've been going through an early midlife crisis in the past few months. Taking stock of where I've been, what I've accomplished, and how crazily far I have to go. I think about death, and it feels eerily approaching my backdoor. And yet, I am still so young compared to many people's measuring sticks. I just had a baby. Just got married two years ago. Purchased my first house three years ago. Still have never cooked a Thanksgiving turkey on my own or hosted a holiday meal in my house.

For whatever reason, our society judges these certain activities to be "adult" behaviors. Therefore, I suppose I can appease myself by thinking I still have some growing up to do.

Don't we all? Is the work ever done? The utter and complete fabulousness about life is that it has continued to become richer. I continue to become more authentic. More or less honest with myself. More or less willing to compromise. To let go. To be free.