Alone in the house for at least two hours! I am not sure I've had this much time in the house alone since Asher's birth. I've gone out, mind you, but here, in my home...without anyone???
Why don't I feel more relaxed or at peace? Instead, I feel tension. What am I supposed to do first? OK, sit down and write. That works. But, when there is a list of things you want to do if only you had some time alone in the house, then when that time comes, you (or I) feel conflict.
What music do I like now? What would I listen to right now, when not considering the baby? What books would I read? I have a pile of them by my bed, most of which I've read portions of only to go in search of something else.
The itch. To have a child. Then, the itch to find yourself again. To carve out a portion of your life that is "your" life.
Ironically, when I am without Asher for more than about an hour, I start to feel this real longing to be with him. He's like an appendage that seems necessary. It's actually a pretty beautiful feeling. I've given up freedom for freedom. The withheld breath, the worry of appearances, the struggle to say what I need have all loosened. The slipknots, no longer pulling in tighter.
My passion for love, life, creativity, and learning can all be put into this little person.
I can breathe. I can dance. I can fly.
I think I'll go read or take a bath or drink some coffee or dance around the living room....
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