Buzz, buzz, clank, clank, rumble, rumble, bump, bump. Yes, it could be part of a bedtime story for Asher. Yes, it could be that I am needing more adult time. However, well, actually, the latter is true. Anyway, anyway...where was I?
The trees are in between today. It looks like they're pulling on new clothes. Or turning inside out. Half one thing and half another. Centaurs. Funny. Eric and I were just talking about our signs the other evening. In some ways, the centaur fits me well. I've often felt half this and half that. Half earth, half air. Half here, half somewhere else. Despite my efforts to be present and grounded. Particularly now.
The changing trees - and the centaur - both represent much of my life right now. I feel like those trees. Pulling on a new turtleneck that doesn't quite fit yet. I do finally feel like this is where we live, but I couldn't have shown you where Frederick, MD was on a map even two months ago. So, the feeling of living in a vacation house is over. I'm no longer showering in someone else's shower (exactly...). I no longer find it charming to see boxes in the hallway or to get lost on my way to the bank.
This is it; this is real. I am now a Marylander (hhmm?). Yet, so much of it isn't mine to have. I watch moms at the mall chatting on a bench, while their kids get in and out of tiny space ship and bus rides, the kind that take 75 cents to operate and last about thirty seconds. I watch these moms smiling and catching up, feeling like I am tapping on glass at the aquarium. How do I get in there? How do I belong here, even though I know I already "belong" here?
I wonder if trees feel pain when their leaves change? Silly thought.
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