Underneath

In the five months since Asher's birth, I have lived a lifetime of tiny, miraculous moments. Elated, beaming, teary, frustrated, somber, and raging moments. Overall, I feel miles away from that wonderful but horrifying day I gave birth. My life turned upside down that night, and I went through some shockingly intense postpartum "stuff" for a few weeks.

Nevertheless, I feel so beyond that at this point. I am a mommy not to be messed with on most days, and I mean this in the best way possible. Life has taken on a more no-nonsense, grounded quality. There's an assurance about the world and the reason I am here.

Yet, certain days like today, I brush against "giving birth" moments in my head, and a quick and quiet desperation comes over me. A desperation that pain can actually be that excruciating. To live through something like that seems impossible. A desperation that my body can actually feel that wrecked. That I can be that weak for weeks. That the bottom can be pulled out of your emotions, and you can go plummeting to the hardwood floor - without a helmet and knee pads.

I guess I am still healing from it all. I am recovering emotionally and physically in ways I would have never anticipated. My life now is so full of little Asher moments of joy and excitement. But, underneath all the happy smiling is a woman recovering from her own destruction and rebirth.